I feel i grew more old than up, over the past decade.
it was supposed to be the most productive decade but instead it was the most destructive, the most dark & oozy. A decade that had just 2 good years at the beginning but the rest went by in freakin' games (some where mind ones - most were mindless), with a lot of "let her cry, let her go crazy", too much use, too much abuse, too much hate & many other vices. And i wonder... how much nightmare can a person go through without becoming a monstrous part of it?

Things we go through change us and that change is, sometimes, permanent. I still try to not be permanently changed even though i am very much different right now from how i used to be.
The bad thing, in the now, is that i feel i am far away from what & how i wanted to become. The worst thing is that i don't see things radically & drastically change anytime soon, so whatever i can create and eventually actualize whatever potential i have with whatever dynamics i got left, will just go to waste or be dissolved in idleness due to non-being.

I've been changed so much over-time and i wasn't even realizing it.
i remember when i started saying that i need to "swim at the bottom of my sea" someone said "they've changed you" and my inner reply was a sense that could be decoded to "i must defend that" - and so i did. i remember saying that people grow/change/evolve.

Someone called me a "pony" many years ago and i thought it was because i'm short and i used to make my hair a pony-tail. How could i know what s/he really meant? How could i know that they *ride* me and they can use me similar to a "trojan horse" that they can speak through and write through ?

I was speaking but i wasn't conscious of what was being said.
I was posting images on Fb, as a reply or reaction to what i was living, but i wasn't conscious that not all of them were chosen by me.
I was speaking but i wasn't conscious that someone else was talking through me. Unimaginable eh? yet, it is true.

/!\ Considering that i've been played with an AIapp (voice cloning) before AI got launched for the general public, I suppose it's the development of tech, besides subconscious programming, that's been used all these years. Text-to-voice is probably feasible until now, but also with voice-to-voice. Having in mind that from thought to speaking it can be less than a nano-second, the latter is more probable.

Maybe i/we experience Today's technology and the capabilities of ? and after some time, if or when it suits "their" best interests &/or according to "their" judgement i am being awakened experientially ? i don't know. i'd prefer straight-forward explanations.

All in all (with a lot more to be said for all the in-between)...
Consciousness Submission Agenda is real.
It is actualized with implants &/or psychotronic technology.
Involuntary Transhumanism is an inhumane practice, that serves only the ones that want to have people as their puppets or pawns.

i never had a "bottom of the sea to which i needed to swim" (i am not a whale) although i always enjoyed contemplating ~ sitting on my own, exploring ideas & concepts and noting thoughts.

i am not a rabbit (white or of whatever color), and it would be wise not to *follow*.
whatever damage has been caused - depending on how i've been used, let's hope it's reversible.

My Mind didn't "work with proPrismatic Essences and/so i explore metaPrismatic Fields", as it was noted in the Intro of this blog. It was very easy to create correlations & correspondences, to examine something and see possible interpretations , to use different perspectives/approaches.

I never used the Sisyphus-notion before. "daily dissolve the rock into dust and leave it in every 'now'". I used to thoroughly examine an event,  analyze the psychology of the participants (as much as i could and in whatever way i was able), introspect for character-personality-behavior connections

/!\ I never signed a Soul-contract.
although it was written at the end of my "for Fudge's sake" post, like this : "The only contract i've ever signed is my Soul one."
i might had in mind the philosophical notion of Lachesis, but still - since i'm at least superficially aware of what a soul-contract is, it should never be written because it is not true and because it can cause a lot of misunderstanding and trouble.

i'm sure there's a whole lot more to realize,
in words spoken & graphics posted during the previous years.
(we've been played oh so hard. // what was my *purpose* really ?)

along with the possible molding throughout my life, or even worse the leading of my life.
(i have kept a poem from my late-teens with the title "Black Shadows" which i understood some months ago while i was still at Syros. Along with that understanding came a variety of realizations.
One of them is that "¶8 Pilcrow to Eternity" is not mine.)

Let's hope that this post will not trigger the pattern : "if you do anything, know they are prepared" or another round of the terrible "let's see how she'll erase that!".

Maybe i am that much buried or that much ridiculed/stigmatized that it doesn't matter anymore ~ so i might just be more free to say whatever i want.

However, this year - 2024 - is the final year of a cycle. I can only hope that 2025 will not be a downhill nor a year of *choosing*. Hopefully it is the year that i will gain actual freedom & privacy according to Nature.

Last but not least, let's hope that i will find someone that is worthy to wholeheartedly trust and discuss everything from the day the 30's cycle begun and up to the day the discussion starts... and all of the past as well.

P.S.: i cannot understand why i didn't realize all the previous years of my life that there was someone talking in my head in 3rd, 2nd, or 1st person. Nor why i forgot about it after a certain age.